


better

by tjmraso



Category: Dong Bang Shin Ki, JYJ - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, general stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-15
Updated: 2012-10-15
Packaged: 2017-11-16 13:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/540163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tjmraso/pseuds/tjmraso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Changmin stood up, finally, ready to get the phone and apologize for his friend’s blatant lies, to assure Jaejoong that his excuses weren’t at all fictional, but by the time he’d reached for it, Yoochun was already hanging up.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>“You call him back--”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>“No,” Yoochun cut him off, “you’re going to take a shower and you’re going to get dressed and you’re going to go out with this guy. I see that you like him and he likes you, too, and this dancing around is getting on my nerves. And Junsu’s not strong enough to take it much longer, too. If the date sucks - sure, I won’t push anymore, but you’ll still get laid one more time in your miserable life. But if it goes fine - you might even get yourself a nice proper boyfriend for once.”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Changmin could’ve argued with that, but knowing Yoochun’s deep hatred of logical arguments, he decided against it.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	better

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. In advance, I would like to apologize for the grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I tried my best, but seeing how English is not my native language (and yes, I choose to write in it), I hope those can be forgiven.  
> 2\. I didn't want to write a curtain part for this fic, and that was the reason for the time jump. (you'll get it when you get there)

_Dear Father,  
First let me tell you how glad I was to get your letter yesterday. It is always such a pleasure to get some news from back home.  
I’m also very glad you’re doing well and that you’re saving up the money I send you for a vacation with mother. Hopefully you’ll be able to go to Jeju soon, if not - I’ll try to send as much money as possible to make up for the twenty years of your hard work.  
Please send my best wishes to Mrs Park and Yoochun. I’ve called them and expressed my deep condolences, but I fear that’s not enough. I know it would’ve been more appropriate if I came to the funeral, but I’m afraid the job and the university are keeping me in Seoul. I promise to make up for it as soon as I’m able to visit. Hopefully my inability to come hasn’t disappointed you. If it did, I’d like to make up for this too, again, as soon as I’m able to visit.  
On a better note, I’m glad that despite the economy being in the gutter the farm is doing well and that there’s no lack of helping hands around.  
Hopefully, you and mother will be happy to hear that my grades are on the same level and that just a week ago I’ve been promoted to manager and now am taking care of the shop when the boss isn’t around. We mostly sell used books, but sometimes we come across an antique or a first edition, and just holding it -- well, it feels like history. I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to be a part of something this amazing.  
Junsu is also doing quiet well, both with his studies and his job, and he watches after me in your absence, makes sure that Yoochun and I are well fed and get enough sleep. If it wasn’t for his enormous effort, both I and Yoochun would be in no condition to give our best at work and the university.  
I’m afraid I have no time to write a letter of proper length, so I have to finish here.  
Please give my regards to everyone. And if you could please ask lady Choi if she got the birthday card I’ve sent her? I’ve yet to get a response from her._

_With the best of wishes,  
your son, Choikang Changmin._

-  
As the letter was printing out, Changmin considered if it needed some changes or if he sounded respectful enough or if it was really necessary to put “your son” in front of his name. After a few moments he decided it was fine and fished a clean sheet of paper from under the press on his table, took the letter from their old printer and started rewriting it by hand, meticulously cautious. The stone frog which served as a paper press, a present from his sisters, was giving him a judgmental look. With all that pressure on his shoulders, Changmin paid no attention to the happenings around him and haven’t noticed Junsu coming into the tiny dorm room the three of them shared. He also hadn’t noticed that Junsu’s been staring at the text for at least a few minutes before giving his presence away with a quiet cough.  
“Seriously,” he said, laughing at Changmin as he turned around in his chair, startled. “Your parents have a computer and an Internet connection, why don’t you just communicate by e-mail? And what’s up with the tone of this. Doesn’t sound like you at all.”  
Changmin snorted loudly, but still dignified Junsu’s comment with a response. “Father likes handwritten letters. He says, the technology is what’s going to bring us to our knees.” He then fell silent for a second or two. “And not like in the Terminator movies.”  
“And that is why you first print it out and then rewrite the whole thing by hand?”  
Changmin snorted again and went back to the letter. He wasn’t going to say that he just liked to see how good his handwriting looked as opposed to the default font set on the computer. 

-  
“So what do you suppose the author of this essay meant by that?”  
Changmin had already started raising his hand, eager to give his broad-minded opinion on the subject when he was rudely interrupted by a voice coming from the back of the auditorium. “He just hated James Joyce, that’s all. He’s had a book published about thirty years after Ulysses, and he copied the styles and -- well, he basically took Joyce’s idea and tried to rewrite it in another language. He waited his entire life for the money and popularity, but the public never recognized his supposed genius and then hipsters came along and he didn’t even get any street cred. That’s is why now he is just a bitter man who spends his last years trashing famous authors on his joke of a blog. I don’t understand why we even bother with him.”  
The speech was followed by some laughter that Changmin refused to acknowledge as credible, since he was surrounded by idiots, and he was ready to step in, not to defend the author of the essay but to give some objective criticism on Joyce and the ideas he put into the novel when he was robbed of that opportunity by the professor.  
“Mr Kim, how thoughtful of you, gracing us with your presence. As for your manner of judging people you don’t know -- they may teach that in the universities all over the United States, but here we prefer to take a different approach. If you don’t think this essay is worth the attention it’s getting in my class, would you be so kind to suggest something else?”  
The Mr Kim from the back half-laughed half-giggled. “I’ve just finished the Game of Thrones. Maybe we could discuss George Martin’s epic style of storytelling of the most the epic genre?”  
The expression on the professor’s face changed from being sardonic to contempt. “You can discuss that kind of literature in the Modern Fantasy class, I believe they still have a few spots open. Here, in my auditorium we look at the greats through the eyes of critics from different eras. Or did you not realize it while signing up for my class? Did the name confuse you in some way?”  
What Changmin didn’t realize that while he was studying computer engineering, he could’ve gotten his credits doing something awesome. Like reading Tolkien and Sanderson and Cook and George R. R. Martin. His disappointment was the only reason he accidentally voiced out his thoughts.  
“We have a Modern Fantasy class? Seriously?”  
As the room fell silent, he turned around to face the back of the auditorium. There, close to the exit door, sat Mr Kim with his fabulous hair and his wonderful bone structure and his expensive clothes and the biggest most sincere smile Changmin’d ever gotten. It was only a few long moments before every single one of the students (with the exception of him and Mr Kim, who hated arrogant critics and narrow-minded professors and loved George R.R. Martin) broke into laughter.

-  
The first two things Yoochun’d done after coming back to the dorms was smack Changmin on the head and kiss Junsu’s left eye. And while the highly inappropriate smack landed exactly where it was intended to land, he missed Junsu’s lips. After all the attempts to sneak-kiss one of his roommates, Changmin figured, Yoochun’s aim was supposed to be much better.  
“I already told him that Mr Choikang’s going to disown Changmin as soon he finds out,” Junsu said, rubbing his forehead.  
Yoochun giggled. Changmin’d always said he sounded like a mentally deficient person when he did that. “Oh no, come on, his father’s not going to disown him. He’s going to stare Changmin right into the early grave. Disapprovingly.”  
“I’m sure your mother taught you that it’s not polite to talk about someone in third person while that someone is in the same room?”  
Changmin’s words were followed by another smack on the head. This one he should’ve seen coming. “Uh-huh, and what about getting kicked out of the class for insulting the professor?”  
“It was unintentional! And not that bad. That Kim guy did all the damage.” Changmin dropped his head on the table. It would’ve been quiet painful if he didn’t keep a small pillow in front of the keyboard.  
“Yeah, it’d be easy to find him and make him pay for the damages you’ve suffered,” Junsu snorted, “what with that surname.”  
“Oh, I’ll put the revenge on hold, thank you very much,” Changmin moaned into his pillow, “if there are no openings in Modern Fantasy tomorrow morning -- that’s when we make him pay.”  
“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” Yoochun asked and Changmin was half-way through thinking of an awesomely snarky response when he realized that the mood in their room changed drastically. He sat up and turned to face Yoochun and Junsu.  
“How was it?”  
Yoochun sighed and pushed his duffel bag under the bed. “As far as funerals go it was fine. It’s not like we were surprised, he’d been dying for months now. And mom’s going to be fine, she’d got her sisters, the girls and her son there with her. I never knew what to say, you know?”  
Junsu turned to Yoochun and pulled him into a hug. “Yeah,” he said and that was it. 

-  
He was first in line at the registry the next morning. The girl that worked there proved to be highly incompetent more than once. This time, somehow, Changmin was ready to drop on one knee and propose. “Oh, Changmin-sshi, seems like we’re already holding a place for you. I just need your student ID and your signature,” and that sentence was all it took to make Changmin fall in love with her. In a way a gay kid can love a female. So -- mostly platonic. And short-lived. And just to be safe, he waited to ask the question until he was officially on the list.  
“How is it that there’s a place for me there? I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the one who asked to hold the place. And it’s not like anyone in this office would’ve done that for some scholarship student...”  
The girl took off her glasses and started wiping the smudges off of them with a tissue. “I’m sorry, but this information is confidential.”  
“What?” Changmin spat out, “you broke the rules by holding a place for me, but can’t break them again to tell me who exactly is that wonderful person who totally saved my life? I would like to thank him or her, you know.” And ask a few questions. And make sure he didn’t have a stalker. He thought that if someone followed him around, they must’ve been completely nuts. What with the messy hair and old worn-out clothes and an extremely unpleasant personality.  
“Changmin-sshi, would you like me to take you off the list?” the girl suggested angrily as she put the glasses back on.  
Changmin cussed under his breath. “Have a nice day,” he said and rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. 

-  
Plato said that at the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. What someone must’ve figured out after all these years was that not everyone became a good poet, at the touch of _whatever_. And Changmin’d gotten past embarrassed at this point, his hyung’s declarations have been making him angry for the last few weeks instead. After all, receiving anonymous or signed letters was one thing, and having a guy come into the shop every other day to read another one of his awful haiku’s in front of the customers and his boss, who was Japanese but strangely didn’t take Heechul's messing with traditional poetry personally, was completely different.  
“Please, stop it, hyung,” Changmin said, pushing the man out the front door, “I’ve already given you my answer. I’m not interested.”  
Heechul hardly resisted, probably afraid of wrinkling his shirt, “come on, Changmin-ah, why don’t you give me a chance? It can’t be the haiku, everyone says they’re awesome.”  
“It’s not, hyung, it’s not that I don’t like your poetry,” Changmin muttered, “I’m not the biggest fan, but still--”  
“What is it then?” Heechul demanded, “I mean come on, I’m gorgeous, I’m adorable, I’m rich and my parents would never disapprove of someone like you. What after all the boys I’ve brought home. Why don’t you just go out with me? I’m really good in bed, you know--”  
Changmin’s breath hitched at the last remark. “I’m just -- hyung, I’m interested in someone else.”  
“Who?” Heechul cried out, attracting way too much attention. “Who is it? We’ll have a duel and figure out who’s truly worth your affection. Medieval style!” he concluded, pushing his hand, fingers curled into a tight fist, up in a ridiculous gesture.  
“It’s a boy in the university. We have a couple of classes together,” Changmin responded. The rest came out absolutely, and I repeat, absolutely unintentionally. “He just recently got back from America.”  
Heechul dropped his head in fake distress. “America? I can’t win here, can I?” He then rushed down the street, backwards, yelling, “I will come to find him and you shall see who’s the one most deserving to be by your side!!”  
He then twirled around and disappeared amongst the passersby.  
Changmin sighed and walked back into the shop. There were a few girls blocking the doorway, their camera-phones out. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Heechul had already gotten himself a fan base. The guy was crazy gorgeous and his extravagant antics seemed charming to naive school girl who had yet to understand that sometimes a guy hitting on another guy wasn’t a ploy to get their attention.  
“You do realize that he really _is_ gay to the bone?” Changmin told the girls only hoping to get them out of the way. There was a slight but nevertheless synchronized change of their facial expressions, but it wasn’t enough to wipe the exited look completely off their puffy round faces. “I mean, he doesn’t just want to hug me and peck me on the lips and touch me a bit more than friends of the same sex usually touch each other. He actually wants to make out with me for a bit and then -- ” the anticipation on their faces, oh, Changmin thought, what a great generation is being raised, “fuck me senseless into the mattress,” he concluded. Most of the girls were horrified, but there was still one left, looking all hopeful and cunning. “And now, sweetheart, you won’t be able to convert him. Girls much prettier than you tried, and it didn’t work. He’s utterly unconvertable. Both of us, actually,” he added, and, no surprise there, no one cared for his last remark. The girls ran out of the shop, clearing the way. As Changmin reached the counter and propped himself on the insanely uncomfortable chair, the boss carefully observed his employee.  
“You do realize that those girls are most of the few regular customers we have?” he asked, voice a little hurt, thick Japanese accent forcing its way into his, well, decent Korean.  
Changmin opened one of the books he hid under the counter for the slow days. “And you realize that the only reason they ever buy anything is to disguise their stalking behaviour. Heechul will be back, so--”  
“You’re not a very nice person, are you, Changmin-kun?” the owner sighed.  
Changmin shrugged, flipping through the pages, trying to figure out where he stopped the day before.  
“Sometimes I wonder why I even hired you,” the old man muttered under his breath as he turned around and went into the back room. Or the loo, Changmin wasn’t sure. Nor did he care.  
He couldn’t let his boss get the last word.  
“I’m Ying to your Yang. Or Yang to your Ying. One of those! And these girls aren’t are only regulars, there’s a ton of different ones coming in every day! You’re just confused because we all look alike to you, right? And you know what? That’s racist, man!” yelled Changmin and then returned to the book, but only upon hearing an approving laugh from behind one of the two doors. At least his job wasn’t going anywhere.

-  
“You ready?” came the voice from the right. Changmin jumped up, startled, and was (not)surprised to see the one and only Mr Kim, sat casually in the chair beside Changmin’s. “I’m Jaejoong, by the way. And you’re -- Changmin, right?”  
Changmin gave him a scowl as evil as he could manage. Being a sucker for pretty faces that he was. Heechul’s face was the only reason he hadn’t crushed the guy’s spirit completely yet. Junsu still hoped that he put up with their hyung out of the goodness of his heart. “Hi,” he said after sitting down, “nice to meet you.” He scratched his head as the pieces of the puzzle fit together. “Were you the one who secured a spot for me?”  
Jaejoong shrugged. “Sure, yeah.”  
Changmin stared, surprised with the answer. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting his baseless suspicion to be true, he still didn’t expect an honest answer just a moment after the question was asked. “Why’d you do it?”  
“Well,” Jaejoong said, “I realized that it was partially my fault that you got thrown out of that class, so I thought I’d make it up to you.”  
“And how did you know I’d try and sign up for it at the last minute?”  
Jaejoong gave him a large smile, almost exactly like the first one. “You told me. Actually, you told everyone. Back in professor Oh’s class.”  
“Right,” Changmin nodded. He was silent for a few moments, and then turned to face his new “best friend”. “So, George Martin, huh?”  
Jaejoong’s smile grew even wider as they launched into a heated discussion about the first book. Changmin’d already devoured all six and had been impatiently waiting for the next part of the epic saga, and it was the first time he was careful to avoid possible spoilers, since Jaejoong haven’t read all of them yet.

-  
“... and the girls are alright too,” Mrs Choikang said, her voice restrained and quiet, “we really miss you, honey. Please come as soon as you’re able to.”  
“Of course, mom, I will. I’ll grab the first chance I get,” Changmin said, checking on his instant noodles.  
“Your father’d never admit it, but he really wants to parade his big shot manager son around the block. He’s been bragging about it ever since he got the letter.”  
“Dad? Bragging? Mom, are you hallucinating? I’m begging you, check all the pills you’re taking for the side effects. I don’t want to come home and find out that you’ve lost your mind due to some doctor’s failure to give you a proper warning about the medicine you're taking.”  
“Son,” his mother said, her voice now stern, “you live in a big city now and you’re growing up in a place much more corrupt than the one you were born in, but at least watch your tone when you’re talking with me. And be glad I’m not your father.”  
Changmin had an urge to reason that if it was his father he’d been talking to, he’d never let himself be that careless in choosing the words. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I have to go now, Junsu’s serving dinner. Can’t keep him waiting, that would be improper. Give my love to father and the girls. We’ll talk soon.”  
He waited until she disconnected before pressing the red button on his phone. Leaning against the wall, he looked around the depressingly empty room, filled with the dreaded smell of instant noodles, dusty books and empty beer and Red Bull cans. He was standing in a place that only half of his face was reflecting in the mirror on the opposite wall. Half Jack, Changmin though, observing the state of himself. Pale skin, almost unhealthy color to it, greasy hair, a couple of small pimples on his chin, dark circles under his eyes.  
“Fuck,” he cussed under his breath and turned around as fast as he could. Even the noodles didn’t look appetizing anymore. Especially with the load of work he had to finish by the end of the week, and also perfectly, to keep his name on the top of the list.

Yoochun came back two hours later, pissed drunk, only to find Changmin working on his project. “What the fuck?” he wondered and fell down on Changmin’s bed. He was the proud owner of the one top bunk, and at the state he was in, it was pretty much unreachable.  
“You like it, don’t you?” he muttered, staring at the ceiling, “this is getting pretty damn boring, watching you, you know? You’re pretending you're not depressed, you can’t just keep killing yourself. It’s unhealthy, Changmin-ah, and I really want you to stop. Please?”  
Changmin put the pen down and turned around in his chair to face his friend. “I know, right?” he said. Two in the morning, and he wasn’t planning on going to sleep any time soon. With Junsu gone and only drunk Yoochun to watch him, he hadn’t been expecting any opposition whatsoever.  
“Just... it’s just... why don’t you go out, have fun, forget about all the fucking obligations you don’t really have, huh? Go out, fall in fucking love, DO something UNEXPECTED,” Yoochun shrugged. “Even Junsu does it. And he’s a fucking martian. Or a dolphin. Whatever, mammals are all the same. Like, find some differences between a homo sapien and a fucking whale. Exactly the same, I tell you!”  
“You’re drunk,” Changmin concluded and went back to work. It was only a couple of minutes before Yoochun started to snore.

-  
“You know what I like about fantasy?” the professor said, not really bothering herself to greet the students. She just walked in and started talking, before everybody was seated. And the funny thing was that despite her young age, it only took one sentence to bring the whole class to order. “I like its ambition. I mean, think about it. The good authors, and we’re only going to read the best ones during the course, they take on inventing a whole new world. And granted that no one has been able to do something completely different from Tolkien, they try, and some succeed in their own way. They add dragons and magic and supernatural beings, coloring our world, and making it just a little bit more exciting. Even if we only get the said picture through simple words on paper. Unlike any drama author, the best ones usually spend years just developing the world, working on the tiniest details that come as they are for the others.”  
“And there are massive battles and bloodied children in the midst of it all,” Jaejoong said, receiving laughter in approval of his comment. Changmin shook his head, collected his thoughts and opened his mouth.  
“Yes?” the professor said, pointing at him.  
“It is the collaboration between a character and the story,” he said, “that’s the best thing. Sometimes you get a girl or a guy being all messed up in the beginning but somehow kicking ass on page 100, but let’s face it, as you said, in the best books the character develops slowly, gradually becomes of age, finds his or her calling or his or her powers or whatever and goes on to save the world. It’s like Tolstoy’s War and Peace, with a huge amount of supporting characters who play a much bigger role that they could be given in any other real world drama. In fantasy you have a crazy-ass concept and a long list of characters each and every one of which perfectly in it. In good fantasy that is... and it’s nice to see a complicated plot with equally complicated characters playing their roles in it.”

If he’d known this conversation would somehow lead to him being fucked by Jaejoong in the dorms during a free hour he had before work, he probably would’ve kept quiet.  
“Harder, come on...” he panted and gritted his teeth. Jaejoong, still wearing his shirt but missing a few buttons, pushed under a different angle and pain became pleasure, everything went blurry and white, his heart began beating way too fast and he found it difficult to breathe. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck...” Changmin’s hand unconsciously reached down, but Jaejoong pushed it away. And after another couple of thrusts, Changmin tightening around him, legs encircling Jaejoong’s neck and pulling him closer, they were both coming. 

Jaejoong leaned down to lick the come off Changmin’s chest, smiled against Changmin’s skin...  
“If we were just characters in some book and got to fuck each others’ brains out senseless and then go fight some evil guys and fly our dragons, how cool it’d be?”  
Jaejoong smiled, softening inside Changmin, still pushing himself up, but with obvious difficulty now, “you’re insane.”  
Changmin smiled and pressed a kiss to his hyung’s temple. As Jaejoong started to pull out, Changmin hugged him even closer. “Don’t. Don’t -- yet.”  
“Doesn’t it hurt?”  
It did, it hurt a lot. “Yeah. But still, don’t.”  
Jaejoong lay down, covering as much of Changmin’s body as he could. Hands wondering along Changmin’s sides, hot breath on Changmin’s neck. “How’d this happen?”  
Changmin laughed quietly. “I have no idea. Maybe it’s the whole fantasy talk that got us both hot and bothered for dudes on dragons and their enormous swords.”  
Jaejoong’s snort turned into a loud cough. “You really are insane.” He considered the statement for a while. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”  
“Would’ve been so much better with the dragons,” Changmin shrugged and wriggled a bit under Jaejoong’s weight, just to make it hurt a little more.

-  
“A panic attack?” Yoochun yelled, “a fucking panic attack?!!”  
Junsu hid his head under the pillow as Changmin promptly considered an appropriate response. “Well, yeah.”  
“You’re having panic attacks during orgasms and you’re only telling me about it now?” Yoochun considered himself an expert on everything having to do with sex. Since he was the one to lose his virginity at fifteen and having fucked and being fucked by two guys total. Which made the list of Junsu’s girls totally irrelevant and Changmin popping his cherry with a guy he barely knew extremely weird and out of character. “Have you even had a proper orgasm before?”  
Junsu stepped in before Changmin could respond. “He’s not a girl, of course he’s had an orgasm. I walked in on him having an orgasm once..” He thought about it for a few moments. “It was quiet disturbing..”  
“I didn’t even need to touch myself, hyung,” Changmin admitted, embarrassed. Both Yoochun and Junsu shut up and stared at him in awe. “It was kinda like in romance novels, perfect. Although still very messy and painful.”  
Yoochun snickered, finding an opportunity to redeem himself. “So you’re an S&M freak now?”  
Junsu slapped Yoochun on the wrist, but still looked at Changmin, waiting for the answer.  
“Maybe a little bit? I don’t know, guys. It was painful and really terrifying, and Jaejoong, he was just--”  
“Are you going to see him again?” Junsu asked, shifting to the edge of his chair, anticipating.  
“We have class together, so yeah...”  
“That’s not what he meant, you moron!”  
Changmin considered seeing Jaejoong again. Naked, above him, covering his body, licking down his neck, then his collarbone, then his chest, his abdomen and lower and lower...  
 _Fuck_.

-  
“So, how many of you guys read The Lord Of The Rings?” Changmin’s Fantasy professor asked, grinning. She nodded at the sight of a full auditorium of raised hands. “That’s what I thought. I have a list of themes here,” she said, gesturing towards the table, “so after we’re done, come over and I’ll tell you which one of these you were randomly assigned. I have no problem with you switching amongst each other, but I don’t want a fight over who gets to write about Legolas and Gimli’s relationship. You will have two weeks to write twenty pages on your topic and afterwards we’ll have three academic hours for discussion. Oh, mister Kim. You will have to ask Changmin-sshi to whisper everything I just said into your ear, since repeating myself isn’t something I’m used to do. Go on, then, take your seat.”  
Changmin shrank in his chair as Jaejoong made his way from the door to the only empty seat, which, apparently, was next to Changmin’s own. “Hi,” Jaejoong said and gave Changmin a smile that could either belong to a total sociopath or to a complete moron, “how are you?”  
Changmin, _oh the stupidity_ , shifted on his chair, looking extremely uncomfortable. Jaejoong snickered into his palm and nudged Changmin’s knee with his own. Changmin shifted again, only with the chair and further from Jaejoong this time.  
Jaejoong gave him a funny look. “Oh, come on, sweetheart, don’t be like that.”  
Changmin looked away and kept silent. Their professor was going on about the origins of the epic genre, which in her mind dated way back to the beginnings of the civilization. Keeping track of her thoughts had been hard enough without Jaejoong whispering sweet nothings into his ears. In an extremely mocking tone. “There’s this party on the third floor of the Seo Jeong Hall tonight? You want to come? As my date? Or as my boyfriend maybe? I mean, that one hour we’ve spent together the other day was like, I don’t know, the best hour of my life, you know? Oh, come on, Min-ah, don’t be like that.”  
“Oh, just shut up,” Changmin whispered angrily, still looking completely devoted to the notes he was taking.  
Jaejoong snickered. “Look, I get it. We fucked once, that doesn’t have to mean anything. But you’re funny and smart and kind of cool, so...”  
 _Cool_ , Changmin thought, _cool??_ “So what?”  
“I kind of want to be your friend,” Jaejoong said, staring at Changmin’s ear, “I’ve just came back here, and most of my friends are in the States, and since I haven’t kept contact with any of my classmates, I don’t even have anyone to hang out with.”  
“So you thought you’d ask a guy you’ve slept with once to be your, well, only friend?”  
Jaejoong shrugged. “We have things in common, besides the fact that we’re both gay, you know?”  
“Like what?”  
“Like getting all hot and bothered while talking about hot dudes on dragons with their enormous swords and what not.”  
Changmin snorted and put his pen aside. “Okay, sure. I’ll go to the party with you. As friends. And just so you don’t get the wrong idea, I’ll invite Junsu and Yoochun to go too. Are you going to be okay with that, hyung?”  
Jaejoong nodded and ruffled his hair. Changmin waited about three seconds before pulling away.

-  
Yoochun has been staring at Jaejoong for a full minute while standing in the doorway and not letting Changmin’s new friend in. Junsu sat on the bed, reading Freud’s biography. With Changmin being in the bathroom down the hall, the situation they were in still wasn’t as awkward and it could’ve gotten.  
“Who are you?” Yoochun asked informally, “what are you doing here?”  
Jaejoong, startled by the sudden break of silence, said nothing but “uhm.”  
“That won’t be good enough. Actually, nothing’s looking good for you right now,” Yoochun said, “but I’m a nice enough guy, I’ll give you another chance.” He ignored Junsu’s giggling, which might as well have been brought on by the book he was reading. “Who are you and what are you doing here?”  
Jaejoong collected himself and finally gave a proper answer. “My name is Kim Jaejoong and I’m looking for Changmin. He said we’d go to the party at Seo Jeong Hall and if you guys are Yoochun and Junsu you’re supposed to be going too.”  
Yoochun gave Jaejoong a stern look and stepped away from the door. “Okay, come on in.”  
Junsu closed his book with a loud thump and threw it in the garbage can. “Where it belongs. With almost all of the man’s theories,” he explained, then thought about it and fished the volume out. The edges of most of the pages were stained and wet from the used tea bag Yoochun threw out a few minute earlier. Junsu swore under his breath, Yoochun said “idiot” and Jaejoong felt extremely out of his element.  
“What’s going on here?” asked Changmin from the door. Jaejoong let out a breath he’d been holding, Junsu smiled widely and Yoochun frowned.  
“This is Jaejoong? Seriously? And you weren’t going to see him again? Who gives a shit about the panic attacks?”  
“You weren’t going to see me again? Panic attacks?” Jaejoong felt very confused. “I’m feeling very confused right now,” he stated.  
Changmin, who was wearing nothing but a towel, dropped his head and stared at his feet. “You’re early. Really early.”  
“Sorry, I guess?” Jaejoong mumbled.  
“It’s okay,” Changmin sighed, feeling not at all excited about the party they were going to, “I just have to get dressed.”  
He’d done so behind an open door of the closet while Yoochun made sure Jaejoong stayed in the part of the room from where he couldn’t see anything he wasn’t supposed to. Even if he’d seen it all and even more so already.  
“Do you think that maybe we could skip the party and go to the Indiana Jones marathon?” Junsu suggested, watching Changmin as he came out from behind the closet door, wearing his slim-fit jeans and a Wolverine tee-shirt. “I hear they throw the worst parties in that hall. Everybody gets pissed drunk and there’s always an outbreak of STDs afterwards.”  
Yoochun sat down next to Junsu and patted him on the back. “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll make sure no one who’s looking like a disease carrying rat takes you home tonight.”  
“How many Indiana Jones marathons can you go to in one lifetime?” Changmin sighed.  
“Well, I’ve missed three during the time in Boston, so I’m up for it,” Jaejoong smiled widely, seemingly actually happy to miss the party. “Are there going to be any tickets left?”  
“Sure there will be, I know a guy,” Yoochun said, picked his cell phone up from the table and walked out of the room. He came back to awkward silence a few minutes later, confirming that there actually will be four tickets for each of the three movies actually worth seeing. He didn’t expect Changmin to be sitting on the floor, nose pressed to his knees. Junsu was checking the book for sauce stains and Jaejoong was giving Changmin funny looks. Yoochun sighed and sat down next to Changmin.  
“I get what’s going on here,” Yoochun said knowingly, “when you said Boston, you meant Boston, Massachusetts, as in Harvard, right?” Jaejoong nodded. Changmin shook his head, and despite the fact that his eyes and his face were out of sight, the gesture was obviously very desperate. “Changmin’s been getting ready to go there since he’s seen the Love Story in Harvard, only to realize that there’s no way his parents save enough money to put him on a plane.”  
“How the hell does this happen?” Changmin’s words came out muffled.  
Jaejoong frowned, “what do you mean?”  
“How is it that you have a face like that and are also smart enough to get into Harvard? What the hell is wrong with this world?”  
“Well, you’re quiet handsome yourself, but still the smartest person I’ve ever met. Counting Harvard even,” Jaejoong tried to fix the situation, and it seemed to be working until Junsu decided to step in.  
“Oh, so you haven’t met Kyuhyun yet?”  
Changmin groaned and hugged his legs tightly.

-  
“You have stupid socks,” Changmin said only nine hours later, laying on the insanely soft carpet in Jaejoong’s flat, both of them spent and completely naked, only covered by a comforter Jaejoong’d pulled from the couch a few minutes after they were finished, when he was actually able to move. Apparently watching Harrison Ford working his whip left them both unable to fight the sexual tension that had been building as their hands touched while reaching for Junsu’s popcorn and as their knees bumped every time one of them had to go to the bathroom, and even as they were standing next to each other outside, breathing in fresh night air and waiting for the next film to start. So when Changmin said that he’s going back to Jaejoong’s place to watch the fourth one (he was still upset for being unable to think of a better or, well, a believable excuse) Yoochun gave them a knowing look, threw sleepy Junsu over his shoulder and insisted on carrying him all the way back to the dorm.  
Jaejoong snorted, turning to mimic Changmin’s position. They were both laying on their stomachs now, chins rested on folded hands, so close they were almost touching, and looked in the same direction Changmin has been looking for the last few minutes. His rainbow-colored socks did look sort of out of place next to Changmin’s grey ones. “Got them at Pride Week,” he smiled.  
“Pride Week?” Changmin asked, surprised.  
“Yeah,” Jaejoong shifted a bit, “it was a big deal back in Harvard, and really really cool. We had all these LGBT supporting famous people on campus, a lot of them were musicians, so someone organized like a whole festival thing. It was really fun and kind of -- liberating. It’s a shame we don’t have stuff like that here.”  
“Liberating?”  
“Well, yes. At least that was what it felt like for me. Like I didn’t have to hide who I am anymore, and there was no doubt that any of my friends will ever stop hanging out with me because I’m gay. Or something, I don’t know. It’s not like it was all that different, but during Pride Week you meet so many beautiful and lovely people, and they are so accepting and wonderful, you can’t help but almost explode with joy and, well, pride for the human kind.”  
“Seriously? Humankind? Like, the entire world?”  
Jaejoong giggled. “Yeah. I guess so. When you see all these people, you can’t not believe that one day it’s going to be like that everywhere. And that was the best part.”  
Changmin shifted, turning to lay on his side, reached out and ran his fingers through Jaejoong’s hair, messy, but really soft. He inhaled loudly and smiled. “I’m really glad you asked me to be your friend,” he said, and strangely enough, there was no comment from Jaejoong on the topic that friends don’t usually do what they’ve been doing for the last hour. The older man only turned to look at Changmin, leaned in, kissed Changmin’s brow and threw his hand across Changmin’s hips, pulling him closer, into an awkward hug. “Do you have to go anywhere?”  
Changmin glanced over his wristwatch and shook his head. “Not for a couple of hours.”  
Jaejoong nodded and closed his eyes, slowly drifting off into the peaceful sleeping state which in Changmin’s case was completely unattainable. That was why for the next three and a half hours he studied Jaejoong’s face and the one and a half empty white walls of his apartment he could actually see, and only shifted if Jaejoong changed his position or if the embrace they were in was starting to get uncomfortable. 

-  
“-- so, since your birthday’s coming up, I decided to give you this as a present,” Changmin’s boss said. They were both sitting behind the counter and watching an elderly woman walk around the shop. By the looks of it, she was trying to figure out whether she wanted to be there and why in the world did she even walk it.  
“My birthday is not for three months,” Changmin mumbled and took a sip from his coffee mug. There was a sign in the window which said ‘help needed’ and the explanation his boss had given for its existence has made Changmin very smug. He’d, after all, been pressuring the man to hire someone else, so that he, as a manager, would have a subordinate to push around.  
Changmin’s boss sighed and stood up from his chair. “I’m going to help her pick something or find a door, depending on the situation. This has been bordering sad for a while now.” 

The first one to come in for the job was Kyuhyun. He was a smart kid, and also sneakily disrespectful to his elders, both qualities Changmin’s boss found appealing for some reason, but there was no way Changmin’d let him hire his main (and only worthy) opponent for the first place on the Dean’s list. So he begged his boss not to do so. He considered retorting to crying, as long as his pride was safe from the inevitable crush it was going to suffer if he even thought of kneeling. And while his boss did raise a good point (wouldn’t it be nice to push your arch enemy around?), Changmin knew perfectly well that with someone as arrogant as Kyuhyun around all the fucking time even his awesomeness wouldn’t have survived. And also, apparently, Changmin’s boss actually liked him, which was why he threw out Kyuhyun’s application.  
But when the second person came for the job, Changmin actually started regretting writing Kyuhyun off so quickly.  
“Since I’ve arranged it so that all my classes are on Monday, I can work here the other 6 days of the week, whenever you want me,” Jaejoong said, looking even smugger than Changmin’d been looking just a few hours earlier. Also, who the fuck does that? How the hell was he able to arrange such a wonderful schedule? Then Changmin remembered the way the girl at the admissions desk had a spot waiting for him and decided that he hated Kim Jaejoong’s guts.  
“What are you doing here?” asked Changmin for the seventh time since Jaejoong walked through the door, “you obviously don’t need the money. Are you stalking me? Are you a crazy stalker, hyung? Are you going to kill me one day after closing the shop? What are you doing?”  
Jaejoong laughed and exchanged a knowing look with Changmin’s boss. “No, Changmin-ah, I just suddenly felt the urge to work in a bookshop, just this morning, when I woke up and you’ve already gone, without leaving as much as a note. That hurt for a little while, you know?” he pressed a hand to where his heart must have been, a mocking expression on his face, “so when I got over it, I drank a cup of coffee, read the morning newspaper and on page three I suddenly realized that I always wanted to work in a bookshop. I thought it was stupid at first, but then I went for a walk and came by this place. Imagine my surprise when I saw the sign and then you behind the counter. It must be fate, and as a proper Buddhist, you shouldn’t fight it.”  
 _All of it, it’s just ridiculous and has nothing to do with Buddhism_ , Changmin though, astounded. He should’ve said that, but instead...  
“How do you know I’m a Buddhist?”  
“Well, to be honest, you look like one.”  
“Boss, this is extremely offensive. Please throw him out immediately.”  
“You’re hired. When can you start?”  
“Right now.”  
“Boss?? What the hell?!!”

-  
Jaejoong didn’t start that day, but he came in earlier than Changmin the next one. He helped his new boss open the store, made coffee and went out to get some breakfast. Even though Changmin told him he’d already had one and never disclosed the fact that he always, _always_ , ate two.  
“So,” said Jaejoong, chewing on the last piece of kimchi.  
“So,” said Changmin, mouthful of rice cakes.  
“Why won’t you go out with me, exactly? I never really got it.”  
Changmin sighed heavily and thought about telling the truth. Not the most important part, but the part where he’d give Jaejoong a shit load of compliments, belittle himself deliberately, let his ego feed on Jaejoong describing how awesome Changmin himself is, and hope for a customer to come in so he could focus on work and simultaneously change the topic of discussion. And apparently, that particular morning, he was damn lucky.  
“Changmin-ah, darling, how are you today!” came Heechul’s excited voice, and then his face with a glorious smile plastered all over his lips. His happy expression fell a bit at the sight of Jaejoong, “who’s this?” he hissed.  
“Heechul-hyung, this is Jaejoong-hyung,” said Changmin, then turned to Jaejoong and wiggled his eyebrows, trying to explain that Heechul was in fact the reason they couldn’t go out. Without any words or even sounds. He was okay at lying with his mouth but sucked at lying with his eyebrows. He was also a bit concerned when Heechul didn’t shake the offered hand.  
“So you’re the one Changmin’s heart belongs to now?” Heechul demanded, “didn’t you like the States?”  
“I liked it there just fine,” said Jaejoong, smiling, “and yes, I am the one Changmin’s heart belongs to. You, on the other hand?..”  
“I am the one who’s going to take it from you!” exclaimed Heechul and gave Jaejoong one of his most intense hateful glares. Changmin was grateful for Heechul’s stalkers who’d just walked into the store and rushed over to them, pretending to be thoroughly invested in helping the poor girls. 

It was only about fifteen minutes of the epic staring contest and a couple of Heechul’s haikus later when the actual boss came in, threw Heechul out and went into his office, shutting the door behind him. It was the anniversary of his first wedding _and_ the anniversary of his first wife’s death. Changmin had always wondered why the old man chose to come in to work on a day like this, until his second wife showed up at the store that was. The woman was as big of a bitch as they got.  
Heechul left hesitantly, Jaejoong didn’t say a word, which Changmin was thankful for, just opened his laptop and stared at the screen. He also attended to the customers when they showed up and followed Changmin’s directions in dealing with them. It was three o’clock in the afternoon when he interrupted Changmin’s reading hour.  
“My mother wants to meet you,” said Jaejoong and Changmin looked up, frowning.  
“Excuse me?”  
“I taught her how to use Skype when I left, and now she wants to talk to the person whose heart belongs to me, apparently,” he chuckled.  
Changmin stood up, hesitant. He loved behaving badly with his hyungs and noonas, but their parents where a whole other story. “Okay, sure,” he muttered, stood in front of the laptop, “hello, Mrs Kim,” said Changmin to the woman on the screen. she was probably in her fifties, but didn’t look a year older forty-five.  
“Choikang Changmin, is this you?” she asked, leaning closer to the camera.  
“Yes, ma'am,” said Changmin, smiling with obvious difficulty.  
“Are you my son’s boyfriend?” she asked next. “Because if you are the boy he’s been smitten with ever since the year started, I find it quiet displeasing that we’re only meeting now. Via a computer screen, no less. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against technological progress, but being introduced while breathing the same air seems more sensible..”  
Changmin took his sweet seconds to pick his jaw up from the floor, figuratively, and only then replied to Mrs Kim. “Ma-am, I am not your son’s boyfriend, and I’m also sure that I’m not the one he’s smitten with...”  
“How tall are you?”  
“One hundred and eighty six centimeters tall, ma'am.”  
“Definitely. You’re the one my son is smitten with.”  
“And the semester has just began, ma'am. Even if I was that guy, so little time has passed, it shouldn’t really matter,” he mumbled, uncertainty apparent in his tone.  
“Changmin-sshi,” smiled Mrs Kim, “stop it, okay? I know it’s Jaejoongie’s fault. I was just hoping I’d raised him better.”  
If it wasn’t his hyung’s mother Changmin’s been talking to, he would’ve fell down on the floor, laughing.  
Instead, he snorted, loudly. Which earned him an approving nod from Mrs Kim and a smack on the head from Jaejoong.  
 _That was why it’d have been better if the boss hired Kyuhyun_ , Changmin thought. Kyuhyun he could’ve ordered around. Even in front of the guy’s mother.

-  
“A date,” said Yoochun, “it’s just a date. Why don’t you want to go again?”  
Changmin sat down on his bed, dropping his head in the process. His plain black socks were starting to make him depressed. He suddenly realized that he wanted to break into Jaejoong’s apartment and steal his rainbow-colored ones.  
“I second that question. And might I add one?” Junsu started, “what the hell is wrong with you, Changmin-ah? He’s a great guy and he obviously likes you and he wants to give it a shot, and you’ve already slept together, so you don’t have to worry about that.”  
“And he’s out, too, which isn’t something I can say about any other guy you’ve hooked up with,” added Yoochun, “he’s your only option, really. You’re not going to get anyone better than him. Seriously, for you...”  
“... it doesn’t get better. It won’t,” concluded Junsu.  
It wasn’t like Changmin haven’t thought about this. Out of two guys kind of fighting for his attention, Jaejoong was the best one. Sure, Heechul was nice, too, but he had stalkers, was a bit off the rocker and very infantile and most of all, Changmin couldn’t imagine them staying together for any significant amount of time. He was a sometimes fun addition to the day, but he could never make Changmin feel the way Jaejoong did. And it wasn’t just about physical attraction, not about passion or lust. Talking to Jaejoong, being with him, Changmin felt like he could finally be--  
“Hyung? Yes, this is Yoochun. Fine, and you?” Changmin looked up at his friend, too lost in his thoughts to promptly realize what was going on, “you’re still free tonight, right?”  
Jaejoong, and it was definitely Jaejoong, Changmin thought, must have said something. It made sense, of course he said something, he was on the phone and just got asked a question. Nerves were holding him in place, though, unable to rush over and grab the phone from Yoochun and throw it out and then drink enough soju to forget this happened. Ever.  
“That’s great, hyung! See, Changmin changed his mind and let whatever his bullshit excuse for not going out with you go and he’s going to be ready--” Yoochun turned to give Changmin a look-over, “in about an hour. Can you come pick him up from the dorms then?”  
Changmin stood up, finally, ready to get the phone and apologize for his friend’s blatant lies, to assure Jaejoong that his excuses weren’t at all fictional, but by the time he’d reached for it, Yoochun was already hanging up.  
“You call him back--”  
“No,” Yoochun cut him off, “you’re going to take a shower and you’re going to get dressed and you’re going to go out with this guy. I see that you like him and he likes you, too, and this dancing around is getting on my nerves. And Junsu’s not strong enough to take it much longer, too. If the date sucks - sure, I won’t push anymore, but you’ll still get laid one more time in your miserable life. But if it goes fine - you might even get yourself a nice proper boyfriend for once.”  
Changmin could’ve argued with that, but knowing Yoochun’s deep hatred of logical arguments, he’d decided against it. 

-  
While usually Changmin judged the date by the way in ended, this time, it was in the middle of their meal when he could rate it as “perfect in every single fucking way”. It was scary, sure, but he’s never been so comfortable and excited during the first date. It wasn’t at all like the comfort he felt around Yoochun and Junsu, it was something different. He could talk freely and not care about saying something Jaejoong wouldn’t like, he also couldn’t help but think about Jaejoong in a more private place, and whenever his hyung licked his lips, Changmin wanted to grab him, drag him into the closest darkest alley and have his way with Jaejoong, right there, with the wind chilling their damp skin and low groans and gasps disappearing into the thin air.  
“Changmin-ah,” came Jaejoong’s voice from what seemed to be far far away, “still here?”  
“Yeah,” Changmin shook his head, “sorry, I was just thinking about something.”  
“Hmm?”  
“You.”  
It came out just the way he wanted it. Low and raspy and seductive. Jaejoong held his breath for an extra second and smiled. “Whatever it is you were thinking can probably be arranged.”  
“Good to know,” grinned Changmin, “but I really am sorry about missing your question. What was it?”  
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  
“I am grown up,” growled Changmin, smirking. Boy, was this easy to answer. “I want to be a Fantasy writer.”  
Jaejoong didn’t seem surprised. “And that’s why your major is Computer Engineering.”  
“Obviously,” smiled Changmin. “But I want to make a living for myself, too. Before I’m on the third book of my awesome trilogy with evil dragons taking over the world, I want to live in a nice apartment, own a car and not worry about money. I don’t want to be this artistic type of guy and find myself a closeted older rich guy to take care of me while I spend time at home, stuck on page 357.”  
“Even if it’s me taking care of you?” asked Jaejoong, taking Changmin’s plate to feel it with meat once again.  
“Even you,” said Changmin, smiling back.  
“Maybe I can be the artistic type you have to carry,” laughs Jaejoong, “it’s not like majoring in Modern Arts will get me an immediate job offer. Or two.”  
“Yeah,” laughed Changmin, “that works for me.”  
“Of course it does,” nodded Jaejoong and called over the waitress to order another two bottles of soju. They were on their third one, each, and not planning to stop anytime soon.

-  
“It’s amazing,” said Changmin, his head sticking out from between Jaejoong’s legs, “I don’t think you and I have ever had sex while being drunk.”  
“Nope,” panted Jaejoong, “would you maybe go back to what you were doing.”  
“I think you’re the first person I’ve slept with sober in a few years already,” exclaimed Changmin, his grin getting wider and wider by the second.  
“Changmin-ah, I don’t want to hear about your sex life before me, the fact that you’re this good is already making me nervous and jealous,” groaned Jaejoong, “get back down there.”  
Changmin’s grin turned into a wild, dangerous smirk and he looked down where Jaejoong’s cock was lying flat against his stomach. “You know, I don’t just want to have it in my mouth tonight. If I blow you for a minute longer, you’re going to come and fall asleep and ruin all the fun for me.”  
“What do you want to do then?”  
Changmin leaned on Jaejoong’s thighs, then pushed up and walked to the bed. His shirt was unbuttoned, but he was still wearing jeans. Even his belt buckle was untouched. “I’ve never done this in front of someone before, not drunk or sober, and right now I’m not scared, but it’s _still_ the alcohol talking, I know this much. I want to do this with you.”  
“Changmin-ah,” whined Jaejoong, “get to the point, maybe?”  
“Sure,” said Changmin and took off his shirt. Then his jeans, then his boxers. Stood there, in front of the bed, in the bright lights, and despite the alcohol running in his blood, Jaejoong could tell how nervous he was getting.  
“Whatever you do, come on, Changmin-ah, it’s me. Don’t you trust me?”  
The strangest thing was that Changmin did. Already.  
So he lied down on the bed, pushing the covers to the side, reached for the bedside table and took out a small bottle of lube. “You’re not allowed to touch yourself or get up from the couch.” Jaejoong felt his cheeks burn.  
Changmin, the fucking tease, he hesitated for almost a minute before even reaching back, slick fingers closing on his hole. He then closed his eyes, took a deep breath and pushed the first finger inside.  
He didn’t even flinch at the initial stretch.  
Jaejoong did, though. With Changmin’s eyelashes fluttering and his eyes closing, his hand involuntarily went for his own cock. But, drunk or not, he remember Changmin’s words and pulled back.  
The second finger came soon after the first one. Going in and out of Changmin’s barely moving body. He picked up the pace and then slowed down, then changed the angle, not probing, knowing where to hit, and reached his prostate. Changmin’s eyes flew open at the sensation and shallow pants that barely left his lips were like bells ringing in Jaejoong’s ears. “Can I?” he whispered.  
Not yet, said Changmin’s eyes set firmly on Jaejoong’s own.  
It was impossible to stay away. It must have been. Since the next thing Jaejoong knew, he was kneeling by the bed, not touching yet, but ready, as soon as Changmin needed him, as soon as Changmin let him.  
It was at the addition of the third finger and another reach at the prostate, now even more intense but unintended, when he couldn’t just watch anymore. All but jumping on the bed, Jaejoong straddled Changmin’s hips, gasping for air.  
“Next time when you’re thinking about fingering yourself in the privacy of your own room, don’t be an asshole, give me a call,” it wasn’t what Jaejoong wanted to say but all he could allow himself, for now. He couldn’t tell Changmin how seeing him open and vulnerable and ready and on display, all for him, made him want to throw himself onto his dongsaeng, bury his nose in whatever part of Changmin’s body was closest and breath in, and hold him and never let go. He couldn’t yet say how the fact that he was the first person to see Changmin do this made him feel so special, so different, so blessed.  
“Come on, hyung, first you’re eager and now what, backing out?” came Changmin’s nervous laugh.  
Jaejoong growled, grabbed the man by the hips and pulled him closer, as close as possible. He heard Changmin’s fingers slip out and pulled even harder, leaving white ovals on the pale skin.

\----------  
It had been exactly 6 months since the first time Jaejoong and Changmin met (and had sex) when Changmin finally popped the question Jaejoong’s been waiting for for weeks now. They were in the middle of end of the month inventory and while Jaejoong had been hoping to hear what Changmin said next, Changmin himself certainly didn’t expect to hear the words leave his mouth. He didn’t fight it when they did, though. Just thought that setting a few ground rules would be wise.  
“Now,” he started, “I don’t want you to think that my parents and sisters don’t know that I’m gay. I came out way back and they didn’t stop talking to me, which should be apparent seeing how we’re going to visit them tomorrow morning.”  
“Sure,” Jaejoong nodded, “sure.”  
“But my father,” Changmin continued, “he doesn’t approve of my being gay. Having boyfriends. Not hiding my real self. He knows and he’ll probably make the connection, but I’ll have to introduce you as my friend. And we will be sleeping in separate rooms.”  
Jaejoong dropped a dictionary on his foot while attempting a mocking shocked expression and didn’t even cringe. Changmin couldn’t help but applaud his commitment. “Seriously? I mean, guys sleep in the same beds, under the same blankets all the time and we won’t be able to? I promise I won’t try anything, love, but I’d like to be able to at least hold your your hand under the covers when nobody’s watching.”  
“Hyung, I wasn’t allowed to have sleepovers since I came out. And when Yoochun or Junsu stayed at our place, we were always in separate rooms. Like my father said, he wanted to be sure that they stay safe.”  
Jaejoong was just bending down to pick up the dictionary he’d dropped, but straightened up in no time, closed the distance between himself and Changmin and threw his arms around the younger man’s torso. “How could he do this to you?” he whispered, “your father, how could he make you feel like that?”  
Changmin smiled, pressing his lips to Jaejoong’s temple. “Darling, it was fine. I don’t know how, but I realized he was in the wrong there. I knew that I wasn’t a freak, and Yoochun and Junsu used to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and share my bed, just to make sure I didn’t forget that. My father, he’s just... old-fashioned. He’s okay. You’re not going to like him, though, and he’s going to think that even friendship with you is unacceptable, just because of the fact that you’ve lived in the States.”  
“Why are we meeting him, then?” asked Jaejoong, nuzzling Changmin’s neck.  
“Because I want you to know where I come from.”  
Jaejoong replied with nothing but a harshly drawn breath, leaned back, still holding Changmin, and pressed a fast kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. “Next time we go somewhere, then, I’ll take you to Jeju. My mother still can’t stop talking about having you over.”

-  
It was around 3am when Jaejoong finally found the courage to sneak into Changmin’s room. The floorboards creaked and he stumbled and almost fell at least a couple of times, so Jaejoong was pretty sure he woke up both Changmin’s sisters and his parents too, and probably his grandparents also. And Changmin himself, but apparently on the last part he had been wrong, as Changmin lay still on the blankets and snored quietly.  
“Min-ah,” Jaejoong whispered, shaking the boy, “Min-ah, are you sleeping?” The snoring stopped and Changmin’s eyes flew open.  
“What are you doing here?” Changmin asked, and he was the first person Jaejoong’d heard actually whisper angrily and still keep it very quiet. “I told you that you shouldn’t do this, remember? When we’re here you’re not my boyfriend, you’re just my friend.”  
Jaejoong knelt and leaned down, his face just an inch away from Changmin’s. Still sleepy and also really annoyed with the situation he found himself in back on the bus to Changmin’s hometown, he really wanted to kiss his boyfriend on the mouth, lazy and sloppy, and lay down next to him, and wake up in a few hours, with him, limbs entangled, nose pressed to Changmin’s chest, their fingers interlaced; all he wanted was to be with Changmin, really.  
“Can I? Just for a minute,” Jaejoong pleaded, and Changmin, still holding his gaze, nodded with a sigh of desperation. Like he didn’t really want it, but also couldn’t say no. So he nodded and Jaejoong slipped under the covers. It wasn’t enough, he realized, with Changmin just laying there, a few inches from him, warm and -- he found Changmin’s hand under the covers. “I’m in love with you.”  
He didn’t get any kind of a proper response, not even a proper “thank you”, but a long moment passed and Changmin let out a breath he’d been holding and squeezed Jaejoong’s fingers so hard it felt like he was trying to break them.  
Jaejoong didn’t leave in a minute, or in an hour, or even at the sunrise, which was the time everyone in the village woke up and went about their business. He’d slept with Changmin’s hand in his, and dreamt of Harvard and Pride Week.

Jaejoong’d woken up to the angry voices outside. The walls were thin, so he could hear the entire conversation. Changmin’s side of the blanket was cold and empty.  
“You’ve brought shame on our family before, but this is the last of it. And now you refuse to apologize? Do you want to cut ties with your family? Do you want to be all alone?”  
“No, father, of course I don’t. But--”  
“But nothing, Changmin. You should feel sorry for what you’ve done, for what you’re doing, for who you are,” that was the cue for Jaejoong to stand up so abruptly his head started spinning and start dressing up, “in any other case I won’t consider you as my son anymore. If you don’t apologize, you should never come here again, or call your mother or your sisters,” Jaejoong would’ve felt proud of the speed he was getting dressed with if he wasn’t that angry.  
“I’m sorry you found us this way, Dad,” Changmin said, “but I won’t apologize for who I am. And I don’t want to feel sorry for that. Do you think it would’ve been better if I kept hurting people by lying to them? Do you really think that I’d be happy lying to some girl I’d marry, for the rest of my life?”  
“If you can’t - you’re not strong enough. If you cannot overcome this - you’re not strong enough. And if you’re not strong enough to overcome the desires that will ruin your family forever and probably kill your mother, you’re not worthy of being my son.”  
Jaejoong ran out of the room, barely greeting Changmin’s sisters and his mother as he passed them, and was out the front door in a matter of seconds. Changmin was standing in front of his father, still in his pajamas, hair flat on the back of his head, hands clutching the hem of his shirt. Jaejoong noticed that he was visibly shaking with anger.  
“He loves me, Dad,” Changmin said, staring at the ground, “and I don’t want to leave him or lie to anyone. I’m tired of it all, Father, why won’t you understand that all I want right now is to be myself around you? I can do it in Seoul, and my friends don’t mind, and no one who’d ever found out about me didn’t stop hanging out with me because of that. And I know there are haters, and some of them might hurt me, physically, and abuse me and others like me, but as long as I’m free to be exactly who I am and not lie to anyone, I can be brave and happy. I’m not going to feel sorry for who I am and I’m not going to apologize for it.”  
“Maybe if you get beaten up badly, some of the sense you seem to have lost will be knocked back into you,” Mr Choikang said, and after that Jaejoong couldn’t just stand back and listen anymore.  
“You don’t mean that, Father,” Changmin started saying as Jaejoong was walking up to the two of them, “you don’t really--”  
“Yes, I do!” shouted his father, “you disgust me, and you poison this family.”  
“By being true to who he is?” Jaejoong cried out, “by following his heart?”  
Mr Choikang turned around and swung, hitting Jaejoong right in the face. Not expecting the punch, Jaejoong fell on the ground, Changmin rushing to him in an instant. _Are you okay?_ said his eyes, desperate and pleading for something Jaejoong had yet to figure out.  
“The pair of you, you really deserve each other,” they heard another voice and turned around only to see Changmin’s mother, standing on the porch, hands folded on her chest, “get out, Changmin, and keep in mind that you’re not welcome here anymore.”  
Changmin stood up from his knees and pulled Jaejoong with him, forcefully. “Let’s go,” he whispered, “let’s go.”

-  
It only took them a few minutes to get their things together and change. No one spoke a word to either of them and as they were walking to the bus station, Changmin threw his arm over Jaejoong’s shoulders, pulled him closer, tilted his head and kissed him right on the mouth, for every person on the street to see. “I’m falling for you too, hyung,” he said, running his fingers through Jaejoong’s hair, “but I’d also like you to know one other thing. And remember it, and keep it in mind, forever, no matter what happens to us.”  
Jaejoong looked at him, fistful of Changmin’s jacket, “what is it?”  
Changmin sighed and pulled his hyung even closer. “I didn’t fight with my father for you. I didn’t refuse to apologize for you. I didn’t leave for you just now, instead of trying to work things out. I’ve been living like this since I came out, lying to everyone, and that’s one of the main reasons I ended up in Seoul. You know, before coming out, I always thought that since I have no chance to get into Harvard, I should just stay at the farm and work on it, and that’d be all. I just thought that if I couldn’t have everything I wanted, I’d just live the life my father’d planned out for me, and be, you know, as happy as I could be. But when I realized that I was gay, and when I came out--”  
They’ve reached the bus station by that time, and Jaejoong couldn’t help but interrupt. “You lived in a village where everyone’s old-fashioned and everyone knows each other, and you still decided to come out?”  
“I didn’t even think about not telling the truth, and hiding it from my family seemed insane. But I’ve told you about my father’s reaction to this part, so--” Changmin paused for a long moment, “let’s skip that. After a short while I realized that they refused to acknowledge it, and when I got into the University of Seoul, I went without a second thought. I wanted to get away and at least try to be myself somewhere else. And it worked, and I was so happy, and Yoochun and Junsu came there too, and for the first time in my life I was free. And once you know that, once you’ve experienced something like that, you can’t really go back, can you?”  
Jaejoong took Changmin’s hand in his and rested his head on Changmin’s shoulder. “When I heard you and your father fighting, I was so angry. I didn’t want you to get hurt, all I wanted to do was to defend you. But when you said that you’ll never apologize for who you are, I was so proud, Min-ah. I was so proud of you standing up for yourself, so strong, so beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who’d suffered this much and still stood so tall on his feet, fighting for his own freedom and happiness. And I know you’ve done it for yourself. When are you going to realize that when you talk, I do listen. And that I know who you are, essentially. And if you didn’t do this for yourself, you wouldn’t have been the person I’m falling in love with.”  
Changmin turned to him and touched Jaejoong’s already swelling jaw where his father hit him. “You know, if you hadn’t stepped in, it would’ve been me who got hit.” He pressed a light kiss to the spot, then pulled Jaejoong into a gentle hug. Resting his chin on Changmin’s shoulder, Changmin’s hair tickling his face, Jaejoong thought that one day, very soon, he’d have to show how different things can be.  
“I,” he started, breath hitching. He didn’t know what to say exactly, couldn’t make what he was feeling into words. “Things are going to get better, you know.”  
Changmin pressed his lips to Jaejoong’s neck, hot breath on Jaejoong’s skin, his arms now almost crushing Jaejoong’s torso.

-  
“Breathe, baby, just breathe,” cooed Jaejoong while frantically looking for a paper bag in his backpack. It wasn’t there, obviously, and Changmin was having a panic attack and his mother’s plane has landed, and they were nowhere near the gate. “Oh, come on, mom’s going to kill us if she doesn’t see us the moment she sets foot on the ground.”  
“Do you really think that putting even more pressure on him is a way to go?” said some lady from the opposite bench. Jaejoong ignored her comment, but Changmin made all the efforts to display his approval of her statement.  
“Come on, what are you so nervous about?” Jaejoong reasoned, “you’ve talked to her on the phone, and you’ve seen each other on webcam, and she really does like you, sometimes even more than she likes me. It’s not like we have to break the news about us being in rainbow-colored unicorn-riding gay love, she already knows.”  
“I sure do,” came the familiar voice. Jaejoong looked up and saw his mother with her huge bright pink suitcase, completely age-inappropriate, and a paper bag in hand. Changmin gasped and looked up too, “darling, you’re so cute, being nervous that I won’t approve... Come here,” she smiled and sat down next to Changmin, who’d just started to move to her, throwing her arms around the younger man. The lady from the opposite bench snorted and stomped away demonstratively. “You’re smart and funny and you love Jaejoongie, and he also loves you, and you make each other happy, what else could I want for my son? How many times do I have to tell you that?”  
Changmin shrugged and Jaejoong sighed, looking down, as his mother continued her rant. “So what if society disapproves, things can only get better with time, and it’s not like you care about what the people you don’t know are saying anyway. And with Jaejoongie’s eight sisters, do you really think I’m worried about not having grandchildren? I have two already... thank god they’re barely three months old, I’m much too young to be called a grandmother.”  
As she kept going, Changmin’s breathing was evening out, and he even managed to chuckle at the last comment. Jaejoong took his hand in his and just a few minutes later the three of them were merrily on the way to Jaejoong’s apartment.

“Really?” Mrs Kim asked, “you don’t even live together yet? I was hoping that after a year...”  
“Changmin doesn’t make enough money to pay half of the rent yet, so he refuses to move in,” interrupted Jaejoong. “I’ve been saying that he can pay me back when he finds a better job or gets an actual raise, but...”  
“Oh, so you’re the one paying for this place now? Strange, I didn’t get the notice, but keep getting the bills,” said Mrs Kim, exchanging a knowing look with Changmin, “now, please tell me that your oven’s working. It’s unimaginable that you two have been together for this long and Changmin-ah still haven’t had any of my cherry pie.”  
“There’s going to be _pie_?”  
Jaejoong moved a little bit closer to his boyfriend who looked like he was about to have another panic attack.

During the week Mrs Kim’d spent in Seoul, she made twelve of those and ditched every single one of Changmin’s attempt to get the recipe, even when he looked like he wasn’t going to be able to live without it. And a few hours prior to her flight back to Jeju, Mrs Kim sat Changmin down for a talk.  
“Now, sweetheart, there’s something I need to tell you,” she said, resting a palm on Changmin’s shoulder, “and I know you’re not going to like it.”  
He didn’t respond, only breathed in, expecting the worst. That she found a girl for her son and Changmin was to get out of the picture. That she really didn’t approve of their relationship, but didn’t want her son to think that she doesn’t accept who he is.  
“I went to see your parents, Changmin-ah.” Now that he didn’t expect. “I know what you want to say, I shouldn’t have gone there, and I know that you’re too polite to do so.”  
“Mrs Kim, I...”  
“Shh, I’m not finished yet,” she smiled, sadly, “I didn’t get far with your father or your mother, and I didn’t think I had a chance when I went there, but I had to try. After Jaejoongie told me what happened when you two went there for a visit, I couldn’t stay away.” Changmin opened his mouth, thought about what to say and closed it regretfully. “And I’m sorry, Changmin-ah, I know that my actions might have hurt your pride, but I wasn’t going to stand there and let...”  
Changmin stood up abruptly, making Jaejoong’s mother stop in the middle of her heartfelt speech. He then reevaluated the situation and sat back down. “Thank you,” he said, “but you didn’t need to do it. I know that I’ve lost my parents, for good, they’re too old fashioned to change their beliefs just to accept me. But I know that we can make our own family. I have Yoochun and Junsu, they’re my best friends since, basically, birth, they’re my brothers. And Jaejoong, you know... a few months ago I tried to imagine what life would be like without him, and I just can’t see it anymore. He’s the first person I’ve been with who, and I know it, feels the same way. And I hope that, eventually, you--”  
Mrs Kim pulled Changmin into a gentle hug. “I already do. Since the first time I’ve seen you two on my computer screen, I’ve only seen you as my other son. Well, son-in-law,” she chuckled, “that’s where you’re right, Changmin-ah. You’ve got a family. Two brothers, eight sisters, a mother and, well...”  
“Jaejoong,” Changmin whispered, a tear running down his cheek. _Jaejoong_ , he thought, _there was no other word to describe him_.  
“Mother,” came Jaejoong’s voice from the opposite side of the room, “did you make my boyfriend cry? Again?”  
Mrs Kim pulled away from the hug and ruffled Changmin’s hair as he wiped his face dry. “Maybe... would you rather have seen him having another panic attack? Now, son, come and sit down, I’m going to tell your real coming out story. I’m surprised Changmin didn’t hear it yet.”  
As Changmin looked over his boyfriend, he smiled, seeing how Jaejoong didn’t have it in him to protest.

-  
“Are you coming or what?” yelled Yoochun, turning restlessly in the driver’s seat. They’ve rented a moving van and didn’t use the old car Junsu came back in after his last visit home, but Changmin refused to let Jaejoong pay for the extra help, so he hired two stoned exchange students to carry all the boxes for ten thousand won worth of ddeokpokki. Yoochun, being appointed a driver as the one with most experience, couldn’t wait to start the engine. Since, apparently, Junsu never let him even touch the steering wheel of his Honda. The man himself did it very carefully, seeing how that car looked like poking it in a wrong place would cause the thing to fall apart. He named it Dahee, though, and Changmin had said, more than once, that it was really really stupid of him, since naming a dying thing will leave him even more heartbroken in a few months, when the piece of shit finally stops in the middle of the road and, with a last breath, powers down for good.  
“We’re coming,” Changmin yelled back, giving the idiots their ddeokpokki. Jaejoong helped him get inside the van, fingers firm on Changmin’s wrist.  
“You know,” he said, lacing their fingers together, “with your first book doing so well, you should loosen up a bit. Start tipping people. Stop counting every coin.”  
“Have you seen the first draft for the second one?” Changmin whined, “it’s uninspired crap and there’s going to be one person to buy that book, and then he’ll scan it and put it on the Internet, for everyone to try and enjoy for free.”  
“Why _he_?” Yoochun laughed, checking if everyone was buckled and nudging Junsu in the shoulder. If Changmin wasn’t almost sitting in Jaejoong’s lap, they would’ve never fit in the front, “as I remember from the signings, most of your fans are girls who only buy your books for the photo on the back cover.”  
“Because no one but you is moronic enough to buy that piece of shit when it gets published,” said Junsu who was, apparently, the only one who managed to understand Changmin’s logic on this one, flipping over the pages of Changmin’s manuscript that he’d fished out of one of the boxes, “dongsaeng’s right, this is crap.”  
Changmin nodded, eyes fixed on his knees. “Do any of you guys remember how awful the first draft for the first book was?” Jaejoong spoke, barely able to conceal a snort, “don’t you remember how I had to stay with you two for months until he emerged from my flat carrying the final draft? And how awesome the book turned out?”  
“I remember how he looked and smelled... hugging a zombie would’ve been less disgusting,”Junsu giggled, “he wanted to go to the meeting like that, the idiot.”  
Changmin turned to look out the window as the van cautiously fit into the traffic. First - the house in the village, then the dorms, then this awful place he was so proud of, and would probably always be, and now a new apartment. Not really theirs yet, but a piece of rented property that they shared. With brand new furniture and everything...  
He took Jaejoong’s free hand in his and rested his forehead against Jaejoong’s temple. Yoochun kept quiet, eyes set on the road, and Junsu fished out a pencil and started making notes on the shabby pages.  
Jaejoong tilted his head a bit and pressed his lips to Changmin’s chin.  
“You know what my mother is giving us as a housewarming present?”  
Changmin shook his head, leaning closer.  
“Take a guess.”  
Changmin all but started whining when the realization hit him. His breath hitching, the man threw his arms around Jaejoong, crushing his hyung’s shoulders. 

-  
“So,” Changmin’s editor concluded, “all we have left is the dedication.”  
Changmin shrugged and turned the laptop around. His fingers flew over the keyboard for what seemed less than two seconds.  
 _to J, Y and J_ , it said. In italics.  
“Could you have been a little _more_ cryptic?” came the editor’s remark and--  
“Sure,” was Changmin’s quiet response.


End file.
